Reflection From a 13 Day Water Fast
This is the reflection in its raw, unedited state. Spelling was corrected.
I sit here in my kitchen feeding my tired baby who doesn’t want to go to sleep. I say to myself, I’m going to cram in this fast reflection before I start eating.
Before I describe the fast, I want to state that I am not sure why I am breaking it. At this moment I am feeling really good. I feel positive and confident. My mind feels loose, relaxed and surprisingly clear. It’s as though there is no garbage, no junk cluttering up the machine. It feels well-oiled and brand new; clean. I’m quite happy at this moment with who I am. There is no future and no past, just the present; effortless meditation. But with meditation I feel a sense of all of these thoughts trying to jump in. But now, there are no thoughts trying to jump in. I am immersed in this feeling of clarity. I don’t want to think about anything. I’m enjoying being here.
I’m not feeling hungry. Typically, mornings are the easiest part of the fast and also when my mind feels the clearest. I might go to sleep hungry, but wake up content. At this moment, I feel a total and pure sense of peace. I also feel confident, not a shred of worry or anxiety. I also feel sharp.
I had to write up a big letter two days ago. The success or failure of this letter would have a huge impact on my employer. I sat down with my boss and the words flowed. There were no hindrances in my mind, just what needed to be done. My mind was empty space where ideas flowed. It was a light and loose feeling. I could feel creation taking place inside of me and it was glorious.
In many ways fasting reminds me of floating (sensory deprivation). The mind feels a silence, stillness. Before and after fade into the present moment. Nothing is meaningful except for the here and now. This brings with it a sense of calm and presence.
In the present there are two possibilities. I can be self-immersed or I can be other focused. If I am self-immersed, I am more focused on whatever it is I want to do. As I write now, I am thinking about my writing and about little else. I lose track of time, so it is important to set alarm clocks. I forget about seemingly simple things. A doctor’s appointment disappears from my mind while I read a book. My wife reminds me at the last minute.
This focus and self-involvement are two sides of a coin. In order to focus one must cut himself off from the world. This distance between myself and my surroundings means that I am more on planet Rafael.
At the same time, for much of my time I like to sit still and just be present. I’ve never really experienced this feeling at this magnitude; the ability and desire to just sit still and just be present. It’s wonderful and pleasant, exquisite and glorious.
When my focus is on my wife and children, it is on them completely, all the way. No other wants, no other desires, just being with them and enjoying spending time with people I love.
This is a startlingly different frame of mind for me. Usually I think about what I am not doing. The weight of undone tasks piles up on me constantly and I feel overwhelmed. No I am not bothered by this. For example, if my desk is messy, I accept the clutter and feel a desire to clean it, but I do not feel an existential crises. In other words, undone tasks do not trigger waves of anxiety.
Frank Herbert the author of Dune describes how the mind uses a grip in order to make sense of the world. Imagine looking at a detailed drawing, it is complex with many parts. If you put graph paper over the drawing, it is now broken down into many little squares. It is much easier to understand a square than to understand the whole.
It turns out that Herbert’s metaphor is more than just an analogy. I’ve found that medieval artists used grids to be able to draw their subjects with accuracy and mathematical precision (Book Title: The Measure of Reality (recommended by Nassim Nicholas Taleb). This makes sense as math breaks down entities into their basic components and then uses the mind (the artist’s easel) to manipulate and recombine them into new ideas and visions. Math does this with multiplication, subtraction, complex algebraic equations and the physicist using equations to represent and recalibrate his view of physical reality.
I realize that fasting illuminates an additional element of Herbert’s matrix, the ability to see the grid. Not everyone is an artist, not everyone can see the grid clearly. In order see the individual square of the grid and then to zoom and then zoom back in again, one must have a sharpness of mind to absorb the information. This is both for retention and for clarity.
In order to see the grid clearly one first looks at the big picture. The big picture cannot be taken in at once; it is too complex and composed of too many parts. However when viewing the big picture, we generate a certain outline and mental model. This is the first step.
The next step is to look at the individual block; the little piece of the big picture that the grid has cordoned off. Now it is bite-sized and manageable. We then take in the little block and create a mental image of it, keeping in the back of our mind that this block is a part of the whole. The next step is to zoom back out and see big picture again. Our understanding of the little block gives us a new perspective on the big picture. The process then begins again. We zoom back into a little box…
This mental process requires an amazing amount of mental effort, focus and flexibility. If we get stuck in the little box or the big picture, it becomes impossible to see reality clearly. One must work in multiple mental modes:
- Flexibility – Switch from the big picture to individual grid boxes to multiple grid boxes, constantly shifting perspective
- Retention – Ability to recall what one has learned
- Spatial Awareness – Awareness of where one is in the grid. Is one in top left quadrant or the bottom right (or both at the same time)
- Relationship – What is the relationship between my current place in the grid and my state of mind with the whole and with the parts
- Clarity
Here is where fasting comes back into the picture. Clarity is probably the most essential element listed above. This is because without clarity, the whole edifice falls apart. If the picture feels unclear or distorted, every other mental element is exponentially more difficult. Every mental step becomes fraught with error and prone to self-doubt. It sounds obvious: clarity is the foundation of clear thinking.
With fasting, there is clarity. It is a clarity that comes with emptiness. When not fasting, there are alien thoughts, opinions and impressions that enter the mind constantly. There is rarely the feeling of a blank, fully focused state (sensory deprivation excepted). I believe that clarity is a key structural element in Herbert’s knowledge methodology. Clarity is the lens through which everything is viewed.
This exposes another element to fasting and clarity. Normally when I write I think to myself “What will the reader think?” Will the reader enjoy this article? Will they find it easy to read… Right now, in my fasted state, I’m more concerned about the coherence, soundness and clear expression of what is being said. Right now, I want to do an excellent write up of this topic. Later I can edit it for the reader. I know that the writing will be far superior this way.
One key thing about this fasting state is that the frame of mind is different. This is difficult to describe and I’m sure I won’t do it justice. For example, when driving I am much more present and confident. I feel much more sure of myself and getting the timing right when making a sharp turn. I also feel a strong desire to go much faster and must consciously tell myself over and over again to slow down.
My mind seems to move much faster. It’s as though it’s accelerating. But it’s moving faster in a different way, on a different plane. I’m searching for words to describe this, but they are not coming to me.
I’ve found that when I enter certain states of mind, I lose track of reference points. For example, when I’m in a very good mood, I will feel relaxed, unconcerned and self-aware. I’ll often spontaneously say or do things that I’ll regret later.
I wonder if a similar thing happens with fasting. Maybe the reason I can’t find things I put down is because my mind is a bit faster, a bit more hyper (and at the same time still and monofocused) and bit more manic. I’m so involved, I forget to stop and take a mental place note. Usually, after while repairing an appliance, I’ll put down a screwdriver and make a mental note as to where it is. When fasting, before I put down the screwdriver, my mind is already moving on the next task and I’ve forgotten a key tool.
There is another reason why my state of mind right now is hard to describe. When fasting, I find that I’m often thinking immediately and presently, but not abstractly, or at least not abstractly as usually define it. When not fasting, my awareness feels like a prism. A ray of white light shines through the prism and is broken up into the color spectrum: red, orange, yellow… My awareness is more spread out and diffuse. I can feel the unconscious thoughts bubbling just underneath the surface. I can feel my mind observing my mind and then in turn observing itself.
Fasting is different. There is light shining with no prism, no spreading out. Clear and focused. Its hard do self-analyze in this state, for self-analysis requires the mind breaking into two. Self-analysis demands that the mind step back, watch itself and then do analysis on top of it all.
I’ve found that it is important to rest while fasting. This means taking the time to be still and to relax. I can still exercise and I do, but it is important to take breaks and to feel stillness. Without stopping and slowing down things get overwhelming. I suspect that during fasting, the body is eating itself and healing. It needs time and space.
Therefore taking a midday nap is extremely rejuvenating. Reading a fun book at night and taking hot baths are super-refreshing. A morning after retiring early feels wondrous.
I’m not sure why I’m breaking the fast right now. I had decided that I would break it today, but I’m feeling pretty good. Yesterday, I felt dizzy. I wasn’t sure if that was due to fasting or due to the roller coasting rides I went on Wednesday. I went with my daughter to a theme park and definitely overdid it. The lines were short and I rode this bumpy ride with huge drops again and again. Afterwards I had to put my head on a bench and lie down for an hour. So while I thought yesterday that maybe I was getting fasting dizziness. The dizziness has gone away today. It was probably due to traveling in a fast, intense, bumpy.
Speaking of roller coasters, I was so present that day. I was fasting and feeling great. As the massive roller coaster climbed and then prepared to drop, I felt the fear and it did not overwhelm me. In my fasted state, the fear had a place and and experienced it with clarity and peace.
As the roller coaster climbed and prepared to drop an interesting thought emerged. The roller coaster is fairly comfortable with padded seats and a comfortable, body restraint. You feel like you’re getting a hug. I thought to myself, you can send people and sheep to their deaths as long as you make them safe, secure and taken care of right before the plunge. (The famed autistic architect Temple Grandin made a career out of creating slaughterhouses that make the animals feel comfortable and tame. They do not even struggle as they are put in huge lines and walked to their death.)
I felt an uninhibited euphoria. It was akin to a charger riding his steed into a medieval battle. I felt the speed and the wind, the rush and the intensity. I was charging ahead, no matter what the odds. It was glorious. I began to shout “yeah, yeah!” in a deep growl.
This brings me back to the question of why I am breaking my fast. I think it boils down to having told my wife two weeks ago that I would stop today and because I am tired. I am tired of the quiet. I am tired the peace. I want to feel my stomach rumble again. I want to feel a sugar rush. I want to exit this stillness for a while and return back to the real world.
There is also the lessened therapeutic element. It seems that within two weeks the precancerous cells self-destruct (apoptosis) and the body eats them (some say it’s even after 5-7 days). Other benefits such immune system benefits also have taken place. So while it’s easier to continue a fast then to start fresh, I think that I am ready to take a break. I’m not sure why exactly, but it is time. (Note 3/3/20 – others say that these studies were done on mouse models taking 3-4 four days to produce the above results. Others interpret: in the mouse studies the mice are starved to near death. Another day and they will die. The corresponding amount that humans would have to fast in order to see apoptosis, immune system regeneration… is much more than 7 days.)
Before I break the fast and say goodbye to you, I’d like to share a bit more. There are definitely times that it has been hard. I’m thankful that my wife has helped me to find time to rest (also to sleep at night!).
Let me tell you about weight. I did a six day fast a month ago. My weight went from 215/220 down to 195. Naturally, some of that was water weight which I regained shortly afterwards. When I weighed myself two Friday’s ago, my weight was 205. Now it is 180. I expect to go back up to 195 or so after two weeks.
It is so wonderful to feel thinner. I feel lighter and I feel proud of my body. Some of this euphoria is due to the weight loss. Some if it is also due to fasting and feeling present. I feel good and my body feels good. This probably helps make me smile when I look in the mirror.
Typing is another interesting thing. I told you that might mind felt faster. It is much easier to type in this state. It is as though my mind has less clutter and my fingers can type more clearly on the keyboard. Practically, this means that I am typing faster and making less mistakes. I’m thinking less about my fingers. They are dancing around the keyboard on their own.
I’ve been reading the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig. I love his writing style and how he makes abstract concepts so intriguing and relatable. One fascinating thing I’m noticing today is that I hear his voice, the voice I hear when reading his book, in my head. I am inserting his writing into my creative process. I didn’t even think about it. It’s just there and it’s wonderful.
Now I will mention that with all the clarity and writing simplicity I’ve told you about its important to note that I’ve had much less of a desire to journal. It’s as though I want to be in the present and not live in the past. It’s as though the past is a different state of mind and a different life. In this frame of mind, I don’t want to write about the present either. I want to be in the present. I don’t need the abstract thoughts. It’s hard to explain. I know that journal writing is so important, but somehow it’s hard to find the will to do it. Today, I’ve made an exception which I hope you appreciate.
In my current mental state, I’ve found that I will sometimes experience things more intensely and that there are times when my speech flows. There are times when I feel invincible. There are also times when my mind feels blank and I just need to pause. These are usually times when it is important to get my fasting rest in. I sense at these times that I need to let go and to heal.
I also find that I can get angry more easily and feel it more fully. At the same time, the next morning I wake up feeling light and refreshed. It’s as though everything faded away.
I haven’t told you about my mood. Generally, I haven’t felt bothered or anxious by much during the fast (relatively speaking). I’ve felt much more smooth and mentally clean. I’ve felt positive and at times really great. Overall, the fast has been a mental cleanser and a mood booster.
I’m proud of myself that I did the fast. It was a great experience. I feel grateful for all of my guides.
Thank you so much for joining me on this journey. Till next time!
